Category Archives: wangst

Bridget Jones-ing (09/04)

>Daily Cigarette Intake: A stick (after “lunch” last night. Mainly because I’m stressed about the current state of my job. In fact, I would have resigned immediately as soon as I heard the words “merging” and “re-training”, but I’ve got bills to pay. So I’m waiting it out till December.)

>Weight: Not worried about my weight at all. I’m quite happy to be back in shape. All that jogging and avoiding meat seemed to have worked. All the lovely clothes from last, last year which had to be put on hiatus because they no longer fit are now back in circulation. Now it’s the “fat” jeans turn to be put on the back cabinet. I’m turning 30 next year so keeping healthy is a priority. Remember, I’m committed to spinsterhood and staying reasonably in shape will lessen the prospects of tripping over my own feet (by the time I reach 70), unable to move for days to call for help then die of starvation and possibly boredom. The neighbors will inevitably notice after a week or so (who could stand the stench after all??) Unless I happen to live in an isolated farmhouse. In which case I would be found after 3 decades or so by some random nosy kid, scare the living shit out of him/her and eventually become part of the local urban legend. Which I won’t mind actually.

>Daily Alcohol Intake: None today so far. But I just remembered that ¬†I’ve got free beer vouchers from 2 Japanese restaurants I sort of frequent. Should have no problems getting blind, stinking drunk next weekend if I wanted to. ūüėõ

It’s just one of those depressing days, really. Yes, and I’m watching “Bridget Jones Diary” (another one of my kindred spirits, aside from good old Liz Lemon). Oh, I forgot! I just noticed James Callis (Gaius Baltar from ¬† Battlestar Galactica) was in this movie. ūüôā

Not to give the misleading impression that I am spending all my days in a self-pitying torpor. No sir. Had a busy schedule this week in fact.

>Went home (meaning to the province) and spent some time with my mom and brother. Haven’t seen them for a month, I think.

>Then went out on “date” with my just-recently-single cousin (ate good food, moaned about our luck-or lack thereof-in relationships, and spent most of the day having fun). Will post our culinary adventures here sometime; when I get myself “organized” enough.

>Worked on my entry for the September 10 Painting Exhibit. Bit of progress. But I guess I should work on it more since I only have a few days left (instead of spending time writing blog posts and watching self-indulgent movies. :)) But what the hell, right??

“To Bridget, who cannot cook. But who we love, just as she is.” (best line from the movie, in my opinion)

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Rant-o-Lantern

I haven’t written anything at all since December 15, 2010. That is not to say that nothing of import has happened. It’s just that I’m either too busy to write anything or I can’t seem to pull my thoughts in order. So, why am I writing now? For one thing, I have¬† a splitting headache, I feel like my head is about to burst. Why? Well a couple of things.

One. There’ s the recent failure of communication between me and “someone”. I don’t think the subsequent argument and all the words thrown back and forth (from both sides) are necessary, but nevertheless happened. A¬† reasoned argument would have been sufficient. Of course, I do realize that I share the blame, but still. In any case, somewhere in that moment I think I finally tied all the threads together and was close to pointing out the source of the altercation. But alas, I lost the thread to a throbbing headache. And not to mention that we are both stubborn people.

Two. There’s the problem with finances. For some reason, I have now become the sole breadwinner of sorts. Not that I’m complaining. No, wait. I am complaining. Problem is there’s not much I could do about it. It’s like having a choice between cutting off your arm or staying shackled. I really can’t begin to describe the nature of my dilemma. It has more plot twists than an M. Night Shyamalan movie. But wait let me try.

My mom got hospitalized last December, and I shouldered most of the bills. Wait before someone starts thinking I’m such an asshole, what I’m saying is that I absolutely loathe being pushed into this role. I mean it’s fine I can share “if I feel like it”, not because I have to do it, not because everyone thinks it’s what I’m supposed to be doing! I know it probably sounds like it doesn’t make any sense. Hell, maybe it doesn’t make sense. I’m not the only child! I’m not the only family member, I still have a brother and a father (who on the other hand has been sending me messages for a few days now, asking me to “help” them again! I’ve already helped them, is it now my sole obligation to SEND THEM money every month???!) I mean why can’t my brother get a steady job in the mean time? I know he’s waiting for his big break in comics, but while waiting¬† can’t he work at least part time?? So he can help out with the bills. All my plans for this year and this month has been thrown out the effing window! And no one seems to care that this is not the job I want, as long as I send the money they can continue smiling.

What, I’m supposed to work night shifts until I’m 40 or something?? In case they didn’t know, I’m 28 years old! I should at least have a life and a career of my own choosing (and that is NOT to be at a call center. As I’ve mentioned many times before. I want to be a portrait artist and nothing else). I should get to spend my earnings the way I deem fit! I just want to go to Siberia at this very moment. I don’t want to go to work anymore (but that simply wouldn’t do). If I don’t slog at this job, I’m dead. So what do I want? I just want to rest from my responsibilities. I’m tired. This thing isn’t going anywhere.

What would make me happy is that if I can resign from the job say at least a month. And get to draw and relax somewhere far away, no effing bills to think about. Just draw. Just relax. I haven’t drawn anything this year. It’s killing me.

Three. I’ve got some added responsibilities at work. For reasons unknown to me, the people I work with thinks it is such a¬† good idea to nominate me as the head of the Rewards and Recognition Committee. I might have to abdicate. I simply DO NOT have the time or the inclination. I think I’m supposed to submit a report today or something.

Visions…

Listening to: “To the Moon & Back” – Savage Garden

I don’t normally write when I’m at work, but I just have to have some outlet (does that sound right?)

It’s quite hard to concentrate when something you’d rather forget keeps popping in your head (the curse of being visual-spatial) with regularity.

I cannot discuss the nature of the “vision” (as I refer to it) because this blog is PG-13 (for the most part, excepting entries featuring random violence), but said “vision” has made me lose appetite for a couple of days now (and I don’t think my appetite will return anytime soon). I still feel like throwing up whenever I see it in my mind’s eye. Made me realize that the human body can survive without solid food for a few days though.

Probably because it’s tied with the words “loss of respect”, which is of utmost importance for yours truly (and a feeling of outrage and disbelief). Maybe it will fade, but not soon.

I haven’t had this sort of feeling since well, never really. The incident when I was in high school was a bit close though. But hey, again, “c’est la vie”.

Found this nice song (I remember my brother saying this song describes me perfectly) again, used to listen to it a lot when I was a teenager:

She’s taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles
And the look in their eyes
Everyone’s got a theory about the bitter one

They’re saying

Mama never loved her much
And daddy never keeps in touch
That’s why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she’s waiting for
The right kind of pilot to come
(and she’ll say to him)

She’s saying

I would fly you to the moon and back
If you’ll be, if you’ll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So, would you be my baby?
She can’t remember a time
When she felt needed
If love was red then she was colour-blind
All her friends they’ve been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined

She’s saying

Love is like a barren place
And reaching out for human faith is
Is like a journey I just don’t have a map for
So baby gonna take a dive and
push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she’s hanging all her hopes on
the stars

(What a pleasant dream) just saying

Mamma never loved her much
And daddy never keeps in touch
That’s why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she’s waiting for the right kind of pilot
To come (and she’ll say to him)

So let’s deal with it like Buffy…

–If I don’t say this now I will surely break
As I’m leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate–

So yeah, like the entry title says, I’ve resolved to deal with it like Buffy..

..Or Sookie or Olivia Dunham (been watching Fringe as a distraction lately, and I must say FBI agent Olivia Dunham is one kick-ass character.)

Certainly not like Bella, who was practically catatonic when old Eddie-kins left. Crying for a week¬†or two is quite healthy, after all¬†I’m not the Terminator T-800 Model. But being¬†¬†practically non-functional and¬†a tad suicidal for three months is a little too much.¬†By the way, I cried for about 4 hours earlier after I got home from work, good thing I’m the only one in the room at that time. I really wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but didn’t for fear of bringing the entire neighborhood to our door, thinking that someone was being skinned alive.

Haven’t cried like that for a long, long time. I’ll probably need three weeks or so of that. Then I’ll eventually get back to normal. Take note, I’m still going to work and everything (I’m actually tempted not to, but that goes against the rules of being my usual kick-ass self).

Needless to say, I’m going through a really “rough time” right now. I never really thought I’d have to deal with,¬† I’ll say it, pain like this ever again. But as they say “c’est la vie”.¬† Friends are always a blessing, especially “Ina Magenta” whom I could always expect sage advise from. We’ve been talking earlier and it’s a nice thing to have someone listen and put things in perspective. Online advise on surviving break-ups are quite helpful too! (there are¬†uber serious ones and there are those with a touch of comedy such as “so get out of the bed, put down the ice cream and please take a shower”. :D)

I miss him of course. I’d be a hypocrite to say I don’t. He is a wonderful person, save for that one quirk which had always been our bone of contention. I haven’t given up entirely yet. It’s the 2nd day only. Too¬† early to say.

–There now, steady love, so few come and don’t go
Will you, won’t you be the one I always know?
When I’m losing my control, the city spins around
You’re the only one who knows, you slow it down–

“hate this place”

Please could you stop the noise, I’m trying to get some rest
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head

I may be repeating myself. The more you wish that the next day wouldn’t come, the more it arrives unnaturally fast. I’ve used up all my allowable absences. So I have to report to work tomorrow. Despite my “pretensions”, I rather despise this job (the truth is, talking has never been one of my strong points – even if I get complements for my supposedly “lovely” voice, sometimes I wish I was mute.)

I don’t get enough sleep anymore. I have disturbing dreams, and when I awake, instead of feeling refreshed, it seems as though someone has decided to beat me up while I slept.

I want to vanish.

Reading: “Twisted 8” by Jessica Zafra

Listening to: “Paranoid Android” by Radiohead

Watching: “Supernatural” and “Ergo Proxy” alternately.

Drawing In Progress: “The people of Middle Earth” (basically just a lose collage of the LotR cast)