Just a very quick post, before I resume my X-Files marathon. I just remembered an “incident” which occurred sometime last May 15, 2010. The memory was triggered by an article I found on The Agony Booth about a movie called “Shark Attack”, I’m not even sure if it’s the same movie I’ve seen on the bus that Saturday.
But here’s the story. I left early for the bus stop that day (the aforementioned mentioned May, 15 ) because it’s the day after payday, and I have to get home (meaning my house in the province) on time (bills to pay). I arrived at the bus stop at around 7:45, and my gods, there’s a long line! And no Lucena-bound buses to be found. I’m fairly used to long lines, so I tried to fight my natural irritation (must be good citizen and all that) and the urge to kick everyone in front of me (or else bawl uncontrollably). There’s nothing to be done but wait. Finally after an hour(!) or so, (Yey!) a bus bearing the sign “Lucena” made it to the terminal. So off I go.
Here’s the “good” stuff. I’m a bit too sleepy to mind the fact that I’m practically squashed in the middle of the bus’ back portion (the seat where you get “balisawsaw” because you are sitting right on top of the engine). Bus left the terminal finally, and the “torture” began. Following some incomprehensible reasoning, the bus driver decided to take Coastal Road Route, instead of the usual. I have no idea what made him think he can avoid traffic this way! In the Philippines you cannot avoid traffic (unless you happen to be descendants of Son Gokou and can fly). Needless to say it took even longer than usual, around three hours. I fell asleep during this time, and woke up to the sight of the manila bay (although I must admit the sight was not entirely unwelcome) brushing by.
I ‘blacked out’ again and thankfully woke up to find the bus in the expressway. Maybe I should have stayed asleep! Because then, the conductor decided that it’s movie time! I have nothing against buses playing movie, as it alleviates boredom. In fact, I’ve seen some pretty good stuff, such as Avatar, which I didn’t have time to see in the theater. There were several instances of “bus theater” that I found amusing through the years. For example, JAC Liner tends to show ‘now’ movies (I would not be surprised if they have Iron Man 2 on their playlist). Other bus lines play old Tagalog action stuff like “Bala at Rosario” (*giggles*), “Philip Salvador”, “FPJ” and even “Ian Veneracion” collections. There was a time when I was “forced” to seat through a “Steven Seagal” (gags!), a “Jean-Claude Van Damme” (I’ve had a crush on the guy since I saw him play “Universal Soldier” during the 6th grade, so I don’t mind if his movies are a bit cheesy, what do you expect?) and a “Dolph Lundgren” (ditto! love this guy as well) compilation.
Anyway, going back to the May 15 fiasco. I was actually a bit relieved to know that it’s “traveling movie time”, because by then the expressway was so congested it would be nice to focus on something else (I’ve exhausted my MP3 playlist by this time). I really SHOULD have opted for sleep, because the movie they decided to play was something called Shark Attack. I thought it was in the B-Movie planet at that time, but turns out that it’s both in the G (as in “grrrr!) and Z (as in “zzzzzz..zzz”) category. ;p Shark Attack was extremely insulting to the human intelligence on multiple levels, I feel it’s a crime to show it to anyone! There’s the “non-plot”, “non-acting” (I have absolutely nothing against B-list actors, but these guys are nowhere near that, they’re somewhere in the black hole of acting classification), very obvious continuity errors and the stupid effects!
Where to start? Well there’s the “plot”. Movie starts with several shots of people on the beach (the usual “pretty-babes-sun bathing”, I guess to establish that the beach was SUCH a fun place to be..ho-hum.) Then enter 2 of the main “characters”, they are talking about er..nothing important (guy proposed or something, then they proceed to make out in the lifeguard station(!). Then there’s character number 3 (the alpha female lifeguard), and annoying characters 4 and 5 (4’s a whiny bitch and 5’s a boring stud who’s supposed to be in-lurve with whiny bitch). And let’s not forget the main antagonists..dududuuun! the big bad-CGI-goblin sharks!
So yeah, more talk about nothing and then suddenly there’s tsunami warning, a bewildering jet-ski chase (and one character, I forgot who, actually shot one of the sharks point blank range on the beach! Gosh! The shark managed to get on the sand -opening and closing it’s jaws – like a marooned whale. I’m no shark expert, but I can tell that it flies in the face of all we should know about the behavior of sharks! Next thing, the tsunami was upon the characters (they’re so busy outrunning the sharks, they forgot to heed the tsunami warning – and then there’s “make-out-girl” blabbing about the goblin sharks being extinct and that it would be the greatest discovery etc..etc.. – but I think the greatest discovery would be to find that she had a brain inside that skull of hers. So instead of RUNNING like HELL for their lives, they talk on the beach while a 50-FOOT CGI TSUNAMI approaches! And one of them was supposed to be a lifeguard, my gods!
By the time they noticed the tsunami, it’s too late, of course. So they proceed to barricade themselves inside the lifeguard station, a few meters from the beach! Now this is the movie’s greatest crime, the station get’s HIT by THE TSUNAMI AND REMAINS STANDING (with all the people warm and snug inside, sure they get a little water-logged, but…)! Now, I’ve seen tsunamis obliterate entire beachfront hotels, and unless the lifeguard station is made of ADAMANTIUM I cannot see how it could have survived the force of a 50 foot wall of water! And they had the gal to tell us (via a reporter), that this is worse than the tsunami that happened in Indonesia?? This part was when I started getting headaches!
So, er, they (the 5 annoying people) get stranded in uh, waist-deep(!!!) water, and as expected the sharks show up and I wish all the characters were all gobbled up in one attack. I did not have the power to finish the movie after the stupidity of the first act, so I slipped back to blessed oblivion, despite the uncomfortable surroundings, ignorance is bliss indeed! 😀