A Disquiet Follows My Soul..

(Listening to: “I Cut Class” by Christopher Libertino)

Now that is one really bad-ass title.

No. I didn’t come up with that. I just borrowed one of the episode titles from Battlestar Galactica. But it is true in essence, as a certain “disquiet follows my soul”.  Now before I get accused of excessively complaining (which considering that this is my blog and all, I can pretty much do if I wanted), I’m not.  Maybe it’s an existential thing, something about not being able to achieve your true potential (this is not an ego thing either – come to think of it I have a pretty healthy self esteem, but not of the Kanye West variety).

Anyway, before I get sidetracked by these parenthesis or whatever is the plural for parenthesis, I just want to say that although I am grateful for all the things I’ve achieved last year and hopefully this year too. I feel as though I have traded something that is an important part of myself. That is being able to be me. Contrary to my considerably well groomed appearance (see picture on the side bar, which although far from looking like Angelina Jolie, is 100 times better looking than the Yeti – no offense intended, in case the aforementioned Yeti is reading this instead of being busy scaring mountaineers); I rather enjoy being a slob, meaning in the olden days before I discovered that people tend to be total assholes when it comes to judging one’s appearance, I tend to not take a bath for “a while” or just go with whatever I happened to pull out of my closet and not comb my hair (really, that’s done on purpose).

That’s my idea of an extended “F*ck You!” to this “lookist” and superficial society we have.  I mean my mental capacity was in no way diminished if I do not go out looking like I have an entourage of stylists. That’s true in theory. I rather enjoyed seeing people’s reactions when I come in looking like a hippie during job interviews to corporate haunts where people are mostly expected to appear  like their clothes came from (insert designer brand here). They’d assume -very incorrectly- that whatever’s going to come out of my mouth would sound like this “gobbledy-gook-gfagakstbhshnks”, some interviewers would be a bit surprised that I sound articulate. How superficial can you get, really. Or that must be some primal instinct at work (that we tend to turn away from all that is unclean – even unclean looking – as it reminds us of death and decay).

Miraculously, I managed to snag some rather nice jobs through sheer force of will or talent, which again has nothing(!) to do with my face. But all through out I get a lot needling from some ehem..very well meaning people that I should really do something about my appearance. Something along the lines of  “why don’t you wear some make up?”, “buy decent clothes”  and “stop eating siomai and halo-halo three times a day”. That sort of insidious assault eventually got to me and I started cleaning up my “hobo-in-the-city” act. So now, instead of being out of the house in 30 minutes or so I have to spend an hour at most on all these rituals for the sake of being more conventional. What I’m actually saying here amidst all these ramblings is that I miss the days when things were a lot simpler, when I spend hours and hours holed up in my room just drawing, or reading. My ultimate question is that will there be a time when people would eventually get past judging by appearance and focus more on character? (oh my, what a lovely cerebellum you’ve got! ha ha) .

The alternative is to run to the hills and live the rest of my life as some kind of hermit. But well, I guess we have “The Law of Equivalent Exchange” to blame.

Enough of that for now. Time for some randomness.

I cut my finger yesterday while “heroically” washing the dishes that someone left on the kitchen sink the night before. The big bad cup with the sharp edges got me. I didn’t realize that the cut was deep enough that I did not pay attention to it, not until I saw copious amounts of blood in the sink. So I decided to rummage around looking for plain old Band-aid, as bleeding to death from such a small cut is definitely not an option. No, I did not start crying either. But alas no Band Aid can be found in the immediate vicinity. Had to run to the store. Lesson learned? Aside from be careful when washing dishes and throw out those potentially dangerous cups with broken “ears”. Always have some first aid materials at home, that way you won’t be hard pressed to buy some gauze from the nearest drugstore while trying to hold your intestines together (now that sounds a little extreme, but really you never know).

I think it’s time for some “Sanity Maintenance Day”. That’s when you attempt to preserve your waning grip on reality by devoting some due time on activities you enjoy (in my case that’s taking long walks or drawing or conversing with someone I miss badly). Well, if you’re the type of person who enjoys staring at the ceiling all day that’s fine too. I remember the last time I took “Sanity Maintenance Time” for five months in between jobs. I thoroughly enjoyed sleeping at the local park (like your everyday homeless person), drawing, writing on my journals and eating nothing (well, maybe not that part so much, as I like to eat). But you’ve got to live with the consequences  (the reason I spent so much time in the park was that I’m trying to escape the daily dose of potent nagging courtesy of my mother. Things like it’s time you pull your head out of the clouds as there are bills to be paid). So there, I want to go somewhere faraway on Saturday (that is if that certain someone does not show up).

I recently discovered “San Marino Tuna Paella”. It’s pretty good. The ultimate lifesaver for people like me who have problems with cooking properly. The tuna is already mixed with rice (as any normal paella dish would go). You can eat it straight out of the can. It’s Friday (last day on the job this week). Perfectly alright to stay up a little late. Don’t feel sleepy yet. Although I’m hungry.

I rarely watch TV these days (even the news, I can always get them on any DOT-com versions of the news channels anyway). I despise the current content of Philippine local TV. Especially the prime time, not to be snobbish or worse a “colonialist”, but I absolutely cannot relate to any of the characters they put out. The same reason I never watch Sex and the City or Gossip Girl, I find them shallow. I’d much rather indulge in sci-fi. But that’s me. I downloaded the DVD /Torrent incarnations of some shows (on cable) that managed to catch my attention. I liked “The Event” recently. I don’t expect it to be on the same level as Galactica, but there’s a lot of potential for character development and more (exciting? horrific?)  revelations. I haven’t picked any favourite characters yet. Although I am partial to Simon Lee, President Elias Martinez and Sophia Maguirre (I find her very interesting).

Just encountered a very bad-ass name at work. It’s Tywanda Bloodworth. I imagine not many people would want to mess with you if you’re named as such. Kudos to the parents (along with the wise ancestors, who had enough sense to pick the name).

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