“..out on a limb..”

Listening to: “Shatter” by Feeder

Reading: “The Night Watch” by Sergei Lukyanenko ( decided to give it a rest with “Journeys” for a while), plus excerpts of “Diana: In Search of Herself” by Sally Bedell Smith, and I found this most interesting passage(s) – some of which I can “relate” to:

..In fact, her friends supplied only partial and often contradictory views, because she was incapable of fully revealing herself to anyone…

…she was so mercurial. Even those close to her had trouble grasping what was going on in her mind. Her moods were volatile, causing her friends and relatives to walk on eggshells to avoid provoking her. “Sometimes she appeared to change from one moment to the next,” her second cousin Robert Spencer told me. “One time she would be sweet and glad to see you, the next she would be distant.”

These frequent shifts in her personality reflected her fragile sense of herself and the turbulence of her emotions.

Well, enough of that. I’ve made several updates on the website as well. The December 2007 calendar is up (featuring Jane Eyre) and I decided to add another page – http://leiaskywalker.wordpress.com/past-calendar-designs/ , just a collection of my old Calendar layouts.

I’ll be damned. I may have to jump to the nearest bridge soon or else retreat to Batanes Islands. Do you know how it feels like to have an “ax” hovering over your head? Ready fall at the slightest provocation? I know I do. It appears I’m hell bent on “digging my own grave”. How else could I explain my latest move? Once again my recklessness got the better of me.

Perambulations…Ugetsu…

Listening To: “A Sorta Fairytale” by Tori Amos

Reading: “Journeys in the Dead Season” by Spencer Jordan

(I’m somewhere in between Part Four – one of the letters by Captain Crowe. The whole thing can be a little “long-winded” at times, but still quite fascinating, especially the various descriptions of fauna and flora – half of which I don’t have the slightest idea what they “look” like in real life – save the descriptions, never having lived in the United Kingdom.The novel alternates the journeys of John Crowe (soldier-slash-author-slash-naturalist-slash-wanderer) across Leicestershire to meet his comrades a few years after WWI (1922) and to research material for his latest book; and the musings of a remand prisoner accused – or at least an accomplice – of kidnapping, raping, and killing a young girl in the present day – now this “present-day-narrator” -who remains unnamed- reminds me greatly of Hannibal Lecter (!) , that is if Dr. Lecter worked in an Aquatic Shop and loved horticulture instead (!)- note that the narration is in first person. Much remains to be discovered though.

I have a sneaking suspicion that this “Jim” is nothing more than the narrator’s alter-ego (that is if I discount the character’s earlier conversation with the prison guard). But lets give the author a chance!

Ugetsu

Did I mention that I spent a week in San Pablo Laguna.I was poking around the “movie collections” pile and I happened upon this “. I have reservations of course, as this was something I have never heard of (O! The Horror! – although I later learned that this is one of the greatest movies ever made – and with reason) I am embarking on a..er..”cinematic” adventure here…so, I placed the DVD on the player…and here we go:

There was the customary opening credits and such, then the subtitle declared: 1953 (!) Venice Film Festival Winner (!)
So the movie was 54 years old (“obscure dialogue/acting” alert flashing). Let’s move on.
(Note: I will not discuss the movie in minute detail, just the scenes which caught my attention)

The opening scene: A “traditional Japanese village” set in the “traditional bygone-era” (around the 16th century). There’s talk of war amongst the villagers. We have the protagonist (Genjuro) and his wife (Miyagi) discussing whether Genjuro should sell the pottery they made in “town” for extra profits. Of course , he goes and sold the whole thing, buys his wife and child (Genichi) all the luxuries affordable (although the wife seems to be troubled by her husband’s “obsession” with even more profit).

“It’s not the (new) Kimono, but your kindness that makes me so happy.”
Genjuro eventually left his family (the foolish man) for town (along with his brother-in-law Tobei, the very definition of a village idiot, who was so eager to become a samurai – at the expense of his wife).
They sell pots and pans and whatnot. There, we get to the meat of the story. Genjuro eventually meet The Lady Wakasa and her “handmaiden”. From the start, there was something very “otherworldly” (meaning: creepy) about them (maybe it’s the way they look, or perhaps I’ve seen too many ghost stories). Anyhow, the two manage to lure the entirely unsuspecting Genjuro into their mountain manor (and the whole time I was urging the main character to say, “No. Thanks. Better go home.” – but of course he does just the opposite).

One minute Genjuro is Lady Wakasa’s guest, the next they are engaged to be married(!) – which came as a shock both to the audience (myself) and the main character, because if I were Genjuro-san, I’d probably say something like, “Can I use your bathroom?”, then run like hell (which he did in the end). Of course, our protagonist would find out that Lady Wakasa – after much cavorting and bathing together – is a “spirit from the dead”.

Meanwhile, Tobei finally realized his dreams of becoming a famous samurai; While visiting a Geisha-den he ran across his wife (which we know he would), they “talked” things out. Tobei swore to bring back his wife’s honor by abandoning all foolishness and getting back to reality.

The saddest part was Genjuro’s “homecoming”. He finds his wife and son waiting for him (and we know this to be all too good to be true), and my hunch was proven right (the wife he talked to was a ghost – she looks a bit like Lady Wakasa due to lighting, but thankfully the son survived).

The main cast is shown at the end, back at the village.

So, the moral lesson is? I’ll leave that to you.

….off to go..

Listening to: “Sing for the Moment” by EMINEM (why do I always forget how much I like this song? part of my old Playlist at work about 2 years ago)

Reading: “Journeys in the Dead Season” by Spencer Jordan

A prisoner is on remand in Durham high security jail for what turns out to be a series of attacks on young girls across Leicestershire, culminating in abduction, rape and murder. In the autumn of 1922, Captain Crowe is on a journey across Leicestershire. He intends to visit his old comrades from the War, finish his book on horticulture, and come to terms with a past that still haunts him and a future that terrifies him. The prisoner is reading a copy of Crowe’s book, “Perambulations of a Soldier: Autumn to Winter”, whilst writing his own diary. Crowe’s retelling of his odyssey in his letters, their subsequent appearance within Perambulations and the prisoner’s interpretation of them, creates a macabre fusion of past and present, where fact and fiction, truth and reality begin to merge and coalesce…

Last Movie Seen: “Adaptation” (it’s on sale, just 100 php, on the mall yesterday – i don’t think another movie has ever made me laugh this much in a long time – and it’s an original DVD too. Bought it along with The Shipping News) According to the summary at the back:

Nicholas Cage is Charlie Kaufman, a confused L.A. Screenwriter overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy, sexual frustration, self-loathing- and by the screen writing ambitions of his freeloading twin brother Donald. While struggling to adapt The Orchid Thief, by Susan Orlean (Meryl Streep), Kaufman’s life spins from pathetic to bizarre. The lives of Kaufman, Orlean and John Laroche (Chris Cooper), the subject of Orlean’s book, become strangely intertwined as each one’s search for passion collides with the others.

…turning “hikikomori” or just a”twixter” perhaps?

Listening to: “Unrecorded” by M83 (a really nice piece of electronica, from their album -> Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts )

Just check out the entire article on Wikipedia –> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori & http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twixter (the western counterpart)

“…phenomenon of reclusive individuals who have chosen to withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement due to various personal and social factors in their lives. The term hikikomori refers to both the sociological phenomenon in general as well as to individuals belonging to this societal group.”

This appears to be what’s happening to me at present (or probably for years now, I just have no idea what it is – the symptoms are there, baby). It’s quite “scary”. Yes, folks! It appears that your friendly neighborhood blogger is about to “crack”! (insane laughter in the background). Obviously something has to be done about this.

Although it’s rather prevalent in Japan. Cases of “hikikomori” have been recorded as far as US, England and some parts of South East Asia.

Mainly, what I really want to do is sleep. And sleep. And read. And do some sketches (no energy for fully rendered pieces like before)..and did I happen to mention sleep? I seem to have fallen into some sort of temporary “funk”. I have discovered a pattern , I work (for approximately six months – to a year), then I’d get bored with the routine, rest then apply again (I don’t have to worry about NOT getting a job, because I never had a problem in that area).

I haven’t been going to work for days now (using a variety of excuses). But I’m going on Sunday, to do the 8 hour overtime to compensate for my absences. Pathetic. I simply got bored with this job (the “excitement” meter has run it’s course) . It’s time to try something new.

“..under wicked skies..”

Listening to: “I Love You…I’ll Kill You” by ENIGMA (heard this first about two years ago – during my metal/goth/death rock phase – categorized it as a “personal” theme).

Here’s another song I seem to have forgotten for a while; “Unforgiven II” by Metallica, I liked this better than“Unforgiven” (I think this one is more “intense”, plus the lyrics are better).

Strange. I was just reading about Akito Souma, my most favourite character in Fruits Basket (despite or perhaps because of her/him being a very “turbulent” character – yes another “Igamu-type” person – female raised as a male to suit the needs of the clan, her true gender was only revealed at last few chapters of the manga – he/she alternates from being cold and detached to demented-violent in a span of minutes, but there’s more to her than that of course. She is quite complex). Then I realized that the lyrics fitted her perfectly! But more specifically about her relationship with Shigure Souma (at least they got a somewhat happy ending).

Lay beside me, tell me what they’ve done
Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now but it’s opened if you’re true
If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you

Lay beside me, under wicked skies
black of day, dark of night, we share this paralyse
The door cracks open but there’s no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there’s no sun shining through

What I’ve felt, what I’ve known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I’ve felt, what I’ve known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, ’cause I’m the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven, too?

Come lay beside me, this won’t hurt, I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she’ll never love again
She lay beside me but she’ll be there when I’m gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes, she’ll be there when I’m gone
Yes, she’ll be there when I’m gone
Dead sure she’ll be there

Lay beside me, tell me what I’ve done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes, now I see it

What I’ve felt , What I’ve known
I take this key
And I bury it in you
Because you’re unforgiven, too

(Never free)
(Never me)
‘Cause you’re unforgiven, too

“death wish”

Last November 2, 2007, eleven year old Mariannet Amper hanged herself to death.

A “journal” was found among her belongings. One entry read,

“Parang isang buwan na kaming absent. Hindi na kasi nakin (sic) binibilang ang absent ko. Hindi ko namalayan na malapit na pala ang Pasko.”

(I think we’ve been absent for a month now. They don’t count my absences anymore. I didn’t even notice that Christmas was fast approaching.)

Despair over her family’s poverty appears to be the main reason behind her decision. According to news reports, the night before, she had asked her father for 100 PHP (roughly $2.32) – the price of a breakfast meal in most fast food joints these days – for a school project; something that was denied to her (she had six other siblings, her father was an on/off construction worker, her mother was jobless at that time; they hardly have anything allotted for food, let alone for “extras” like school projects).

A letter addressed to the show “Wish Ko Lang” was also found along with the journal. She wanted a decent school bag, a bicycle (so she won’t need to commute anymore), school supplies and above all, “livelihood” for her parents.

The incident became quite “controversial”, eliciting comments from several prominent personalities (from a bishop to Senators Roxas and Revilla). The government at least admitted having played a part in the sad affair. But that doesn’t really help. She’s still dead. Unless of course, a lesson could be drawn along with a proper solution.

“Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It’s contrast.” – Virginia Woolf (The Hours)

It is also said that severe depression made a significant contribution to Mariannet’s suicide. But don’t get me wrong, not everyone who is depressed resorts to committing suicide, otherwise we may witness hordes of people jumping off bridges and the like. It’s more of an “inclination” (according to to the National Strategy for Suicide Prevention). Thats where the “Nature-Nurture” thing comes in.

On a more personal level, it stroke a familiar cord. After all [our family] did go through a “phase” similar (but not the same) to her situation. It’s the “Wa-Baon-Di-Pasok-Wa-Kain-Wa-Kuryente-Tira-sa-Bodega” chapter of my life. Quite hard to believe, being something of a “memoirist” myself, I think I’ve filled several notebooks with entries lamenting our then situation – my mother managed to save some of them, I still have entries that go as far back as 1994 . But as for committing suicide, I admit to have contemplated about it several times – having been blessed with a “vivid imagination”, I was able to concoct entire scenarios, from the manner of death down to the burial – but ultimately, I believe I’m much too selfish to actually do it.

T o wrap it up. I do feel bad about the whole thing. It did make me realize how ‘trivial’ my problems were compared to hers -or the rest of the world- if only for a moment. But I won’t be hypocritical, being the selfish person that I am, I’ll probably shove the realization at the back of my mind and move on (and if I ever committed suicide, let it be known that the reason, is that I’m quite bored with life).

Listening to: “Don’t Give Up” (Gregorian Masters of Chant w/ Sarah Brightman)

stuck in second gear…

Found this very nice video of ” The HP Trio” yesterday. To the tune of “I’ll be There for You” by The Rembrandts (I’m starting to appreciate this song again-official OST of the show “Friends”- considering the content describes my current situation, although in a somewhat satirical manner, can’t help but laugh whenever I hear the first three lines). Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SdKTUtgobs

Look for the lyrics below.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke
your love life’s D.O.A

It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear
Oh when it hasn’t been your day
Your week, your month, or even your year

I’ll be there for you
(When the rain starts to fall)
I’ll be there for you
(Like I’ve been there before)
I’ll be there for you
(’Cause you’re there for me, too)

You’re still in bed at ten and work began at eight
You’ve burned your breakfast
So far things are going great
Your mother warned you there’d be days like these
But she didn’t tell you when the world
Has brought you down to your knees

No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you’re the only one who knows
What it’s like to be me

Someone to face the day with
Make it through all the rest with
Someone I’ll always laugh with
Even at my worst I’m best with you

r.i.p.

I seem to be intent on digging my own grave, career-wise that is. I’ve just seen my Globe phone bill a few minutes ago, and I’m still quite shell-shocked. But never mind, I’ll get over it. I’ve already worked out a strategy for dealing with that one.

I’ve become “irrevocably bored” (not sure if there is such a term, but that’s how I see it now) with my current job. Answering the same questions day in and day out has become very intolerable (“what’s my APR?”, “why did I get a finance charge?” and so on). Nor can I stand “pretending” to be nice – to be honest, this is the one that “eats away” the most – when I wish them the most painful death possible. No kidding. What I really want to tell them is that they can go to that place where the flames of retribution burn for eternity. It’s time to try something new, savvy?

I am not sure I can wait till December, I’m thinking of resigning next week, after the 15th, so I could get some back pay on the 30th, enough to pay my laptop/IT bill for this month. Then probably transfer to another account (w/in the same company) or apply in another company altogether. But then, I’d better not be rash. Don’t want to be “dead in the water”.

sleepy…

“I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, myself and I
We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do….”

Listening to: “Big Girls Don’t Cry” – Fergie

(I heard this one while on the bus en route to Makati about two weeks ago, I didn’t even know who the singer was – I can’t even remember the last time I listened to the radio – top 40 hits, anyone?- I think I’m becoming seriously “jurassic” when it comes to music Put it this way, “Famous Last Words” was the only song by My Chemical Romance I managed to like – O! The Horror! The Horror! – . I memorized snippets of the lyrics and searched the net for a bit, catchy tune, too. )

Reading: “The Night Watch” by Sergei Lukyanenko

Watching: “HERO”(no, not HEROES – yes you got that right-) , the J-drama (another Takuya Kimura outing – funny as hell, I wish our “dramas” were a bit like this. But that’s like wishing for world peace.)

Last Movie Seen: “Sunshine” (It appears that the “critics” and I agree when it comes to this. It’s a good one. It may seem a rather odd film – one thing, Cilian Murphy playing against type as the “protagonist” – but the cast is solid (Hiroyuki Sanada, Michelle Yeoh, Benedict Wong, Rose Byrne, Cliff Curtis among others). Although , I’m a bit disappointed with the ending,when it suddenly took the “Event Horizon” route – complete with the ghastly villain.) But I liked it so much that I’m planning to do a “sketch” series of the characters – I don’t think I’m up to doing any “full” pieces at this time – in the spirit of HEROES.

Well, I’m a bit happy today. My Internet Connection was configured last night. Another something to counter the tedium.

It’s still the same thing at work. Day in day out. The world is….

Two job interviews, one tonight, one tomorrow. Let’s see what will happen.

So far, I’ve been contenting myself with a sketch or two every now and then.

sketch made by ayomr2007. “old picture” effect done on photoshop.

The picture on the left-most corner (Diana circa 1993) was done about a few months ago, which was obviously not finished, hence the immense white space near Diana’s fully shaded face (I might finish it someday- who knows), the one at the center (circa 1981) was done last week (in a fit of boredom – I was perticularly intrigued by her expression here, if you would like to know who she was “leaning” on, it’s none other than her “failed” Prince Charming. The third picture (circa 1997) was done sometime during August or September (which I am still uncertain what to make of).

oh-oh…ride on time…

Listening to: “Ride on Time” by Yamashita Tatsuro (GoodLuck ED) – for some  this song makes me “happy”…hehe

I’ve seen the J-Drama about 8 times now (solid cast – my favourites are the four leading characters played by Takuya Kimura [Shinkai Hajime], Kou Shibasaki [Ayumi Ogawa], Shinichi Tsutsumi [Kazuki Koda] and Hitomi Kuroki [Noriko Togashi] respectively) relevant story – it’s basically about the men and women of the skies, a very low key approach to romance (you really have to “look” closely), great dialogue and a “life lesson” or two.

Reading: “The Night Watch” by Sergei Lukyanenko

And I have discovered another j-drama. It’s entitled HERO, also starring Takuya Kimura. Can’t wait to acquire this one. According to J-drama.com:

Kohei Kuryu, played by Takuya Kimura, is a former juvenile delinquent that drops out of junior high and goes on to earn a high school equivalency diploma. After passing the law board exams, Kuryu becomes a prosecutor. Not your typical prosecutor, which is quickly seen through the clothes that he wears, Kuryu possesses quick instincts and a kind of cleverness that only someone raised on the streets could have.

Takako Matsu plays the role of public prosecutor Maiko Amamiya. The shrewd Amamiya, who has her eyes set on passing the exam to become a deputy prosecutor, tries her best to be noticed by her boss. Kuryu, on the other hand, after earning a reputation for doing top-notch work is transferred to Amamiya’s division, and finally opens his eyes to the possibility of promotion. Unfortunately, his unprecedented work behavior abruptly brings things to a halt.

This is what I love about “Japanese Drama” , it’s not so much a “drama” (if you compare it with say Filipino or Korean – with exceptions of course – wherein for some reason the story takes a back seat to the “romance”, w/c frequently involves a lot of really cheesy dialogue and “tears”) as it is a story about people.